Circles

I feel like everything's pointless. I've lost motivation in everything i do. I don't know who to go to. My mind is just clogged up with more thoughts than it can handle. I'm just plain confused. Confused about my own feelings, and confused about what i want in life. Like.. there's nothing meaningful in life anymore. I feel like I’m going backward instead of forward. I don’t know why. I wish more than anything that I were still me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm dead but breathing. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I just want to feel alive.

Changes

Things change, and the world moves so quickly around me.

mmmmmm

 I don’t really give a fuck, and my excuse is that I’m young
And I’m only getting older so somebody shoulda told ya.

I know.

I wrote a couple notes; one in love, one in anger. They're lyin' there dyin' in my dresser drawer. Now go on, live louder than your voice. Struggle through a stranger. Love her til you love me even more. 'Cause I can't laugh, can't cry, and I can't run can't hide. You get used to the pain and numb to the sting til you can't feel anything.

JustWords

         Break me down

         For what you want to see

         Yet in me but not in yourself

         Pick me apart

         Until I’m no longer a whole

         No longer myself

         But an image of your fear and anger

         And now my fear and anger

         Because of your eyes,

        Lost in myself but more now, someone else

:We lose who we are because we’re subconsciously afraid of what you’ll do with it.

:You never really give us the chance to find ourselves in the first place.

:We don’t come with confidence and self-assurance.

:You’re quick to crush the little we do develop with shallow misunderstandings and harsh assumptions.

:Who we are, you’ll never know. You don’t want to.

:It’s possible that we’ll never know either. You don’t let us.

:We can’t mold.

:You don't want to believe we're better.

:We’re not.

:We’re different. From you. From each other.

:You detach from us without ever understanding us.

:You create the separation and don’t give us the chance to close it.

I'd rather go on lovin' blind Than go on lovin' without you.

"I've never tried to catch you lyin.' I didn't want to know the truth. I'd rather go on lovin' blind Than go on lovin' without you. I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then. I wish I could start this whole thing over again. I'm not sayin' that You could never be true. I just don't wanna know how it ends. You still have my heart in the palm of your hands. I still look like a fool in front of your freinds. but Yeah, I wish somehow I didnt know now what I didn't know then."

Unorganized Organization

I'm just realizing how much my outlook on life has changed in the last couple of years. I'm positive now that it's going to take more than a few years in college and the miserable life of a housewife for me to feel that I've lived a fulfilled life. I've developed a plan:
I'm going to go to college for four years and acquire a masters in something or another.
I will then graduate and move to Jost Van Dyke, which is a four mile long British Island.
I'm going to live alone there, bartending on the beach, for fifteen years.
Then, I will decide if I'm grown up enough to come home and actually become a housewife. If not, I'll stay there.

;asklghiqnuigjxzchxvcq94dfj4ui;oa3jklsdhp90fuck

Bittersweet.

I don't know whether to be thankful or resentful toward you anymore, because I'm starting to notice that I've become used to the idea of all of this.  I've shut a lot within myself down, but with doing that, I've built a lot within myself up. I've learned that I can stand on my own and that yes, I want you, but no, I don't need you.

"After great pain, a formal feeling comes. The Nerves sit ceremonious, like tombs"


"..Tomorrow, I'm gonna listen To that voice of reason inside my head."

Tomorrow.

"Baby when we're good, You know we're great
But there's too much bad for us to think
That there's anything worth trying to save.
But tonight I'm gonna give in one last time
Rock you strong in these arms of mine
Forget all the regrets that are bound to follow
We're like fire and gasoline
I'm no good for you
You're no good for me
We only bring each other tears and sorrow
But tonight, I'm gonna love you like there's no tomorrow..."

Pandemonium Within

Every little thing punches me in the gut. It might not even be anything. It usually never is, but this was exactly my reaction when I saw Amber's post: "silly little slut." I read totally wrong and much too shallowly into that, but am I reading too deeply into everything now? I can't tell, I can't tell, I can't tell. I don't even know wtf is real and wtf you mean.

Broken Bridges.

I have crossed broken bridges in my time, but are the bridges worth crossing; is it worth any more breaking?



I'm really feeling like getting in my car and driving for a really long time. I'll just drive and drive until I can't see anything but grass and trees and endless skies. Yes.

Confusion

                                                                                                  It messed me up.

Vacuum.

I don't feel a thing. I think the best way to describe this is by saying I'm suspended
in
  a
     vacuum.
           Nothing,
                 nothing,
                      nothing,
                           nothing,
                                nothing,
                                   
 I hate being this way. How long's it gonna last? It's gonna drive me insane; it really will.

Now.

Now, I kinda feel more like this, to be honest.


"After all the pain ya' put me through
I can't stand to see the sight of you
And you won't drown me in your misery
You'll have to find someone else
To be your company

It's not a question of love and hate
You made our life together so desolate
Well I'll just call this my resurrection
My savior from self destruction"

Right Words. Kinda Late.

So, I feel like this is exactly how I was feeling, you know, before the most recent happening happened...


"There might have been a time
I would give myself away
Once upon a time
I didn’t give a damn
But now here we are
So what do you want from me
What do you want from me

Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me
What do you want from me

Yeah, it’s plain to see
that baby you’re beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
It’s me – I’m a freak
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly"




You still don't get me though, right?

No.

I'm not going to break this time.

I'm Better off Without You.

"When you fall I’ll be the only one who looks away. When you call, I’ll be the first to tell you I can’t stay. It’s all over, I’ve found a better way to help keep you from me, I’m better off this way."

You've brought this on yourself.

If and when you're missin me, just remember you've brought this on yourself. You've forced me to become independent. I don't need you anymore.




"I don't need you, don't wanna see you. You showed me nothing but hate, You ran me into the ground, but what comes around goes around. And You don't hurt me, You don't hurt me No more."

Good thing they got in touch with me before I got in touch with you

It's a real funny thing. I actually think it's pretty ironic. All in all, it just proves to me that I was right. I love you more than anything, I really fuckin do. But while I'm fuckin lovin you, you're fuckin her. You can't give up that which you're used to, that which you want more than anything else, for that which you need. You're weak. Don't tell me my love is enough because it's not.  I'm not enough for you, and I never will be. When I said I couldn't trust you, I really meant it. Loving you has probably brought on the most pain I've ever put myself through, but I intentionally put myself through it anyway. I intentionally held on to this self inflicted torture because I love you. 

I think the best overall part of tonight's situation though is that, today, I made up my mind. I decided that you really do genuinely love me and that whatever insecurities I felt, I would try my hardest to squash. For you. I think it's funny that I called you four times. I think it's a God-sent that your phone was off because I would have been the fool saying "Hey, I love you, and I don't care about it anymore. I want to work on this because I know we have no other option. I cannot be without you." real funny. All I can really say is that it's a good thing they got in touch with me before I got in touch with you, considering I'm only your "ex that's been begging for you to take me back."

"You can hold any girl that you like, Fall in love when it's easy at night But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better. When you're lost and you've run out of road, Find what I already know. In the end close is all there is But you won't find this. There's once in a lifetime, And there's once in a while, And the difference between the two is about a million miles. Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking on, But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone."




In closing, I just want to say: "watch how fast that ass fade in to the past"

Nothing

"And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change his mind turn it all around

I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,
And he'll listen this time even though they're slurred,
So I dialed his number and confessed to him,
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing 

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know I'm with him face to face, that he'll come to his senses
Every drunk step and path leads me to his door
If he sees how much I'm hurting
He'll take me back for sure"


You don't know how bad I want to keep myself away from experiencing this again.

For the First Time

"She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how we got into this mess it's a gods test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time


...Oh, these times are hard.
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby"




This is what we were. This is how it was. I can't wrap my head around what makes me any different to you now.

I'm not myself

I feel like I'm just goin through the motions in everything I do.

so numb

"Seriously, fuck you dude."

 First picture, when things were ideal and easy.

 Confirmation, when they were lookin up again.

Erath Prom, love.

Kaplan's prom, real.

Everything, gone..




Oh, and also, It's quite ironic that I posted VVthatVV earlier today.

Ready. Set. Stop.

I'm shutting down dammit.

I don't pity you.

Every time a person ventures to tell or show me exactly how weak I can be, I completely change. I lose myself.  This has happened exactly four times in my life, one of which is right now.  I don't want to lose myself, but I know I will. I also know that finding myself again is going to be a painful process. I know you're hurting, but so am I. I hate the feeling when I'm slipping through my own fingers, when I don't let myself feel anything. I can't genuinely cry. I can't genuinely laugh. I can't genuinely care. I can't genuinely believe. I know how this works, and I already feel the resentment brewing within me.  I don't want to have to push you away.  I don't want to resent you , because I love you...but I feel it coming on...

“So here’s a piece of advice: let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough, and move on when things are not like before. Surely, there is someone out there who will love you even more.”

You cannot love yourself truly if you do not know yourself fully.

You cannot care for someone if you do not care for yourself.
You cannot care for yourself if you do not love yourself.

You cannot love yourself truly if you do not know yourself fully.

Also, the more I think about life, the more I find myself related to Holden Caulfield. I am a hopeless catcher standing in an infinite field of rye.

I love you.

I love you
"I wrote a couple of notes
One in love, one in anger
They're lyin' there
Dyin' in the dresser drawer

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it
As if your words were my tears
Flowin' freely, warm and quiet
From the edges of my eyes and my ears
You get used to the pain and numb to the sting
'Til you can't feel anything
So What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
From doin' this to me?"

Never Explain Yourself. Your Friends Don't Need it and Your Enemies Won't Believe it.

Love ya sam, sorry bout that shit lol. John you're dumb if you're still looking this up

Close Your Eyes, Clear Your Heart, Let It Go

I don't really know how blogs work, so I guess I'll just start off where my life is now. This one image is a better depiction of my happiness than any other in existence. It also reminds me of what it feels like to lose your sanity over someone who just doesn't give a damn about you, over someone who means the world to you anyway. The person in this picture with me here is solely the most important person in my life, but he's ruined me completely on the inside; I can't trust, I can't love, I can't care. The compassion I should feel for others just isn't there. He took that from me in making me realize that the one person I always felt would be there could rather easily walk out of my life and into the lives of...many others. 

Things are different now though, I think. So dumb of me to say, right? He lied, cheated, made me feel worthless, told me I wasn't good enough (in not so many words), watched me fall, even kicked me a little once I was down. But now, exactly one month later, he loves me, he needs me, he can't imagine losing me, he wants me, and he can see no other of worth close to mine. I want to believe him, but I don't. I literally cannot resist him. In any instance that we are together, I have to kiss him, I have to hold him, but in any instance that I am alone to think about what he's done to me, I have to tell him we can't be together, I have to push him away. I love him more than anything, I really do. I really want to, too, but I won't let myself. I wish I would.

"No,I can't take one more step toward you ‘Cause all that's waiting is regret. Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? You lost the love I loved the most. I learned to live, half alive. And now you want me one more time. Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars, Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart. You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul. So don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"